Yeah Right!

APRIL 20, 2002

Published on the 10th, 20th and 30th of each month (USUALLY)

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YEAH, RIGHT!

Yeah, right, ADDers are hyperactive, impulsive and inattentive. Teachers and parents I come in contact with are primarily concerned with the impact this disorder has on academics. Upon close examination of this problem. However, I have discovered that hyperactivity, impulsivity and distractibility are additionally quite detrimental to relationships with family and friends.

The following information will NOT include the impact on educational issues because I'd like to finish this newsletter before summer vacation. <grin>

Below are scenarios taken from real life and real families w/ ADD/ADHD. The names have been excluded to protect the guilty.

IMPACT ON THE FAMILY

CHILDREN W/ ADD/ADHD

"This kid is driving me crazy. No matter what time I wake her up, she can't seem to be ready when the bus comes. She has no idea that she can't eat her breakfast as the bus turns the corner. I'm so tired of prodding her, I'd like to smack her one but I know that only makes her dawdle more. Why do I have to be late and jeopardize my job because she won't get a move on?"

"Homework, yeah, right, what's that? My child hides notes from the teacher, erases any messages on the answering machine or looses the information. Besides that, whenever he has homework, I feel like I'm the one doing the work. The teacher has resorted to sending me emails and that helps but I don't have time to check my mail every day. The problem continues on and on and on. I've tried EVERYTHING!". Yeah, Right!

"Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars! Can't this teenager think of anything else? Why is he so obsessed with Star Wars? He yells at me if I move his card game off the dining room table so we can eat. I thought this fixation would end as he reached high school but it's just gotten worse. His English teacher even asked me to FORCE him to read a book for his next book report about anything EXCEPT Star Wars or science fiction. Yeah, Right! I'm lucky he reads anything at all since he plays Star Wars simulations on the computer every spare minute."

"My sister is ADD without hyperactivity. My parents spend hours and hours working with her. They write out her chores, patiently show her how to do them and then don't do anything to her when she *forgets*. It isn't fair. She gets away with doing nothing. I get grounded if I complain and they say things like --- Well, she can't help it." Yeah, Right!

"My wife and I are about to come to blows over this kid. A good disciplinarian could solve our ADDer's procrastination, smart mouth and laziness. She does just fine after I talk to her. Why can't my wife get her to behave? She's just not firm enough!" Yeah, Right!

ADULTS W/ ADD/ADHD

Non-ADD spouse: "Honey, will you please pick up the dog at the vet's on your way home from work?"

ADD spouse: "Sure, no problem." Yeah, Right!

<Later> ADD spouse: "Oh man, I knew I was supposed to do something after work..."

The dog ends up staying (and costing) another day.

ADD spouse: "You never tell me anything! How was I supposed to know that you had to work late tonight? I never would have invited the guys over if I'd known you wouldn't even be here." Yeah, Right!

Non-ADD spouse: "Yes, I told you. I even sent you an email this morning to remind you. It's on the family calendar too."

The ADD spouse forgot what he heard, didn't check his email or look at the family calendar AGAIN!

<engrossed in playing computer games> ADD spouse: "I said I'd iron your shirts and I will. Don't push me. I'm doing the best I can."

Non-ADD spouse: "Yes, you said you would. My flight leaves at 6:am. Since it's almost midnight, I'd like to finish packing and get some rest before the alarm goes off."

ADD spouse: <shouting> "I said I'd do it and I will!"

Yeah, Right!

IMPACT ON FRIENDSHIPS

CHILDREN W/ ADD/ADHD

Scene: The dreaded playground.

An ADDer stands watching some 3rd graders gleefully playing four square. The ADDer wants to play too, but has no idea how to join the game. As the ball bounces away from the game, towards our ADDer, she grabs the ball and runs away. The kids complain to the teacher on duty. Since our ADDer is known for previous infractions of such unsportsman-like behaviors, the teacher reprimands the kid, gives the ball back to the 4 square players and makes our unhappy, sad, rejected (because she doesn't have the skills to join a simple playground game) ADDer "sit out" for the rest of recess. (NOTE) The special needs teacher has asked the entire faculty to assist this child in learning to make friends but ...... This child even sees the school Social Worker once a week for 20 minutes to work on skills to be able to make more friends. Does this work for our ADDer? Yeah, Right!

Scene: The classroom

An elementary school teacher has presented an excellent lesson and given explicit directions about where to turn in the completed assignment. Our ADDer listened as attentively as possible and THIS time knows exactly what to do. Work time ensues. Fred, the most popular boy in class, finishes his assignment and begins to turn it into the WRONG place. Our ADDer, in an attempt to assist Fred, yells, "Mrs. M. said to put it in the red tray, not the blue one!". Shazam! Our ADDer has just committed another in a string of social blunders eventually alienating every child in the class. The ADDer truly had Fred's interest at heart but....... Will Fred ask our ADDer to play on his soccer team at recess? Yeah, Right!

Scene: The birthday party

It's 3:00 and the party was supposed to start at 2:30. Ten children were invited. One child has arrived. Where is everyone? Did our ADDer forget to give out the invitations or is our ADDer so disliked that even a party won't help? This will impact the birthday child's self-esteem in a profound way! Yeah, Right!

ADULTS W/ ADD/ADHD

Scene: Restaurant -- Wednesday 7:00 pm

Two couples are enjoying dinner at a quiet, family restaurant. Our ADDer's medication usually wears off about 6 pm. The non-ADD spouse discreetly whispers to the ADD spouse, after the ADDer is observed drumming the table incessantly, "Did you take your medication?" Immediately the get-together turns into a social blunder. The ADD spouse loudly proclaims, "Of course, I did. Why? Don't you trust me?" Yeah, Right!!

Scene: After dinner

Our non-ADD spouse and ADD spouse have previously agreed to work on vacation plans. The table is cleared off, dishes are done, the husband and wife sit down to begin this arduous task. Regretfully, the TV remote is handy. The ADDer picks it up and turns on the news. The conversation goes something like this ->

Non-ADD spouse: " Let's turn the TV off. We agreed to plan our vacation."

ADD spouse: <staring at the TV> "Sure."

Non-ADD spouse: <Turns off TV>

ADD spouse: <turns TV back on> "What did you do that for? I was watching that!"

Non-ADD spouse: "Do you want to watch TV or make vacation plans?"

ADD spouse: "Huh? - Did you see that? How do they find such stupid people to do those stupid commercials? Why do they yell on all the commercials?"

Non-ADD spouse: <GIVES UP>

They watch TV in silence. How does their vacation turn out? No plans. They decide to go visit their parents in Texas again!

P.S. The ADD spouse exemplifies this behavior over and over and over and over and over ..... The ADDer is living IN THE MOMENT and seems to have no clue that making plans in necessary. Evenings and weekends slip away without getting necessary chores completed. The check book hasn't been balanced since January and the cars have needed an oil change for months ... You get the picture, don't you?

IT'S YOUR CHOICE

Yes, these are TRUE scenarios. Scrutinized individually as infrequent happenings, they seem like the same types of problems all families encounter. However, these types of "drives you crazy" interchanges take place numerous times each day- day- after day- for the ADDer and family members.

Peers, spouses, friends and acquaintances soon decide that the ADDer is unpredictable, noisy, bossy, selfish, lazy, and flat out "yucky". Adult ADDers and children alike are "picked on", overtly (and clandestinely), for their ADD/ADHD tendencies. This impacts the ADDer's life in profound ways. Many develop social phobias, drinking and drug problems, depression, suicide tendencies, sexual acting out, feelings of loneliness, low self-esteem, school avoidance, and other negative behaviors.

Why? It is my contention that they JUST WANT TO FIT IN. The problem is they simply don't know how.

Choices to consider:

The prevailing strategy is to teach social skills. A great idea but the problem is that such programs have no way of actually assisting the person DURING social interactions. Sufferers are taught a skill and then basically told "GO AND DO IT."

For the social outcast, this is virtually impossible. That being said, here are some skills that a person must develop in order to better their social acceptance.

Say and do nice thing for others

Accept compliments and give compliments

Start, maintain, and end conversations gracefully

Invite peers to engage in activities

Express feelings accurately without blaming

Maintain contact with prospective friends

Know when you are being taken advantage of

Realize not everyone will like you no matter what you do

Understand and be able to interpret non-verbal cues

Quite a list huh? In my opinion, seeing a social worker, psychologist or therapist one a week for 20-30 minutes is definitely not enough time to assist a socially inept person in becoming proficient in implementing these greatly needed skills.

DISCLAIMER

This information is for educational purposes only. Much of the information is from classes and workshops I’ve taken during my 30+ years of working with ADD & ADHD students – sprinkled with my own comments, thoughts and insights.

Some information has been acquired from the INTERNET. Be aware that not all information on the WWW is accurate. Use your own judgment.

Additionally, much of this information is a direct result of research done for workshops I've presented (or have been asked to present). CLICK TO SEE MY WORKSHOP OFFERINGS.

This information is not intended to replace information from your doctor, therapist, lawyer, psychologist, nutritionist or psychiatrist. Consult your child’s (or your own) doctor for additional input.

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Editor: BJ Madewell

Wichita, KS area

316-733-9532

FAX not available

www.ADDchoices.com

Email ADDchoices@aol.com or ADDchoices@yahoo.com

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BJ Madewell