MARCH 20, 2004
A free newsletter by BJ Madewell
DIAGNOSIS ADD ADHD
Now What?
Published 10th, 20th & 30th of each month
PLEASE SEE DISCLAIMER AT THE END OF THIS DOCUMENT!
HELP
FOR SPOUSES AND
SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
A FEW STRATEGIES AND WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
THE MAIN COMPLAINT seems to be that the ADDer regularly fails to complete projects/chores at home.
Don't take
this behavior personally.
The ADDer is not lazy or insensitive to your requests. Most adults with ADD/ADHD spend
an enormous amount of energy maintaining focus at work. Upon arriving home, there is
little get-up-and-go
left to focus.
It takes an enormous amount energy to maintain attention, avoid impulsiveness and stifle hyperactivity at work. Adults with ADD/ADHD really do need to "recuperate" after wrestling with the trials and tribulations of "staying on task" at work all day.
Do chores with your spouse rather than delegating chores
Maintain daily routines especially for repetitious tasks.
IMPORTANT!
Have the ADD/ADHD spouse make out a schedule such as --
Laundry done every Tuesday and Saturday
Grocery shopping Wednesdays right after work
Pay bills on the 1st and 15th of every month
Walk the dog by 5:30 daily
YOU GET THE IDEA
YOU
MUST REALIZE THAT ===> ADDers tend to agree with you, and then neglect to
follow through. This can be intensely irritating! Strive to depersonalize your
reaction to such forgetfulness. You must understand that the ADDer will agree
without paying attention to the discussion. He/she can be so wrapped up in their
own thoughts that your voice doesn't register in the brain! Really!
They will later claim "You never said that!".
If you are irritated by some action not being
done consider this strategy ===>
Make your request. If the action is not taken, either do it yourself or pay to
have it done.
You need to know that nagging, coercing, whining, intimidation, threatening, yelling, throwing a fit etc. are all strategies that will not work!
GO EASY ON YOURSELF
The non-ADD spouses frequently blame themselves for not "helping the ADDer
enough". Don't blame yourself for being unable to micro-manage your
spouse. It may seem like an honorable goal but, in the long run you are not
doing yourself or your spouse any favors. It is not your fault your spouse
neglects paying bills, calling their parents, picking up the kids, and so forth.
It is not within your power to change your spouse. ADD/ADHD adults must change
themselves.
FIND OUT ALL YOU CAN ABOUT ADD/ADHD
Many adult ADDers are in denial. Be ready to impart information to your spouse
occasionally. Some partners have designed clandestine ways to educate their
spouse by strategically placing articles, books and pamphlets on ADD for
children around the house. They approach the education of the adult through
discussing the ADD nephew, daughter, neighbor ...
OTHER
Compliment your spouse often. You can mold behavior (somewhat) through positive
comments
Ignore behaviors that aren't worth the hassle.
Take a deep breath and relax.
Use a soft tone of voice and gentle gestures.
Use humor to diffuse difficult situations.
Realize your spouse needs/tries/wants to be in control because their thoughts
are out of control. You don't have to "lay down and roll over"
constantly but realize that at times an argument is due to an ADD/ADHD thing -
and doesn't have anything to do with the subject YOU are arguing about.
Say this to yourself often --
IT’S YOUR CHOICE
Having an ADD/ADHD spouse can be difficult, exciting, stressful, unpredictable, fun, infuriating, invigorating, etc.... just like other marriages. The difference is, it is extremely difficult to have the attention of someone with AN ATTENTION DIFFICULTY. You must figure out how to deal with your spouse's inattentiveness, impulsiveness and hyperactivity.
Focus on your mate's talents, accomplishments and positive attributes
-- after all, you married this person!
DISCLAIMER
This information is for educational purposes only. Much of the information is from classes and workshops I've taken AND GIVEN during my 30+ years of working with ADD & ADHD students - sprinkled with my own comments, thoughts and insights.
Some information is acquired from the INTERNET. Be aware that not all information on the WWW is accurate. Use your own judgment. This information is not intended to replace information from your doctor, therapist, lawyer, psychologist, nutritionist or psychiatrist. Consult your child's (or your own) doctor for additional input.
Editor: BJ Madewell
Wichita, KS area
316-733-9532
Email ADDchoices@aol.com or ADDchoices@yahoo.com
