January 10, 2005
Spouses and SOs with ADD/ADHD
ADD can mess up adult relationships. Inattentiveness, impulsivity, hyperactivity, difficulty following through, interrupting, loosing things, not listening, disorganization, forgetfulness, and distractible << all these ADD symptoms can negatively affect adult relationships.
The uninformed non-ADD partner frequently misunderstands such behaviors as irresponsible or as being "passive-aggressive". Constant complaining, giving suggestions, throwing temper tantrums and making threats do not change the ADDer’s behaviors. Medical and/or other interventions are necessary.
The Adult ADDer does not intend to irritate the spouse (or significant other). If you are in a relationship with an Adult ADDer, you MUST understand how the ADDer functions.
One must understand that ADD is a biological/neurological problem not a case of laziness, craziness or stupidity
Couples need to discuss problematic behaviors and devise strategies to improve the situation. All couples must devise such strategies to insure mutual contentment not just those dealing with ADD/ADHD issues.
In their book DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION, Edward Hallowell M.D. and John Ratey M.D. provide some great suggestions for couples living with ADD.
Make sure you have an accurate diagnosis -- it could be ADD, or something else
Keep a sense of humor!!
Declare a truce after the diagnosis...i.e. end the squabbling and fighting
Set up a time for talking
Spill the beans -- tell each other what's on your mind!
Write down your complaints and your recommendations
Make a treatment plan
Follow through on the plan
Make lists!
Use bulletin boards for messages
Put notepads in strategic places
Consider writing down what you want the person to do and give it to them on the day it's supposed to get done
Pay attention to your sex life
Avoid the pattern of mess-maker and cleaner-upper
Avoid the pattern of pesterer and tuner-outer
Avoid the pattern of victim and victimizer
Avoid the pattern of sadomasochistic struggle as a routine ways of interacting
In general, watch out for the dynamics of control and dominance
Break the negativity cycle
Use praise and encouragement frequently
Learn about mood management
Let the one who is the better organizer take on the job of organization
Make time for each other
Don't use ADD as an excuse
READ THE BOOK FOR FURTHER INSIGHTS
THE BOTTOM LINE
Find out all you can about adult ADD/ADHD.
Realize you cannot change the ADDer.
You can change your reaction to them, encourage change, ask for change, make accommodations, etc. --- but the reality is, the Adult with ADD/ADHD is a challenge to live with just as children with ADD/ADHD are a challenge to teach!
Please help $$$ needed.. click on the pig
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BJ Madewell
THE
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DISCLAIMER
This information is for
educational purposes only. Much of the information is from classes and workshops
I’ve taken during my 30+ years of working with ADD & ADHD students –
sprinkled with my own comments, thoughts and insights.
Some information has been
acquired from the INTERNET. Be
aware that not all information on the WWW is accurate.
Use your own judgment.
This information is not
intended to replace information from your doctor, therapist, lawyer,
psychologist, nutritionist or psychiatrist.
Consult your child’s (or your own) doctor for additional input.
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Editor: BJ Madewell
Wichita, KS area
316-733-9532
FAX not available
Email ADDchoices@aol.com
or ADDchoices@yahoo.com
You may copy and print this
newsletter for your own use and freely distribute it to others. You cannot sell this information. It is FREE.
Please include my email
address, web site address, & phone # on anything you give to others.
BJ Madewell
