Don’t Take It Personally.
June 10, 2005
DIAGNOSIS ADD ADHD Now What?
Published 10th, 20th & 30th of each month -- USUALLY
** PLEASE SEE DISCLAIMER AT THE END OF THIS DOCUMENT! **
Adults with ADD/ADHD generally have a significant other, be it a spouse, friend, life partner, or roommate.
First and foremost, it is absolutely imperative that you find out all you can about adult ADD/ADHD in order to understand the behaviors your S.O. will almost certainly exhibit. ADD/ADHD can be extremely difficult for YOU and your ADDer. You both must understand the positive and negative possibilities and be ready to deal with them together. Research, research, research for understanding.
ADD/ADHD affects all aspects of both of your lives.
Don’t take ADD/ADHD behaviors personally.
This is beyond doubt the primary advice a person living with an ADDer must
internalize. Understand that it is a “brain thing”. Most actions are not
aimed at making your life problematical or providing you with chitchat to share
with your family, friends, acquaintances, or co-workers to entertain them or
obtain their sympathy or jealousy.
IMPULSIVENESS
Know that your S.O. will do impulsive things. Don’t take it personally.
Be prepared to undo any actions that threaten your financial safety. Know your money situation and keep close tabs on spending and investment practices. Your future depends on this. If you have to, take control of the checkbook, debit and charge cards. It may be necessary to set up a system to control impulsive spending. As insensitive as it sounds, a negotiated weekly allowance may be one way to handle the impulsive spender.
Blurting out inappropriate things in social situations can be very upsetting to any significant other. Your best defense is to ignore such statements and social blunders. Smile and know that your friends know you and your ADDer well enough to realize the statement is NOT a reflection on you. Can you stop social blunders? Probably not. Is it worth fighting with your S.O. over such matters? Probably not. I say that because you must realize that it is a “brain thing” and beyond the conscious control of your ADDer no matter how many times you yell, scream, threaten or cry. The ADDer is unable to change behaviors just because you want them changed. It takes treatment. Don’t take it personally. (You understand the treatments available, since you have found out all you can about ADD/ADHD – right?)
DISTRACTIBILITY
Know that your S.O. will be distracted. Don’t take it personally.
Amazingly, your ADDer may actually be paying attention to you while simultaneously reading, watching TV and rubbing the dog’s ears. Check it out. Ask your ADDer a pertinent question related to what you’ve been saying. You might be surprised at the ADDers ability to efficiently multi-task. However, there will be numerous times that your ADDer is not paying attention to you AT ALL even though it appears so. Your strategy is to ask, ask, ask. Never assume this undoubtedly distractible person is tuned in to the same thing you are. Don’t take it personally.
HYPERACTIVITY
Know that your S.O. will be hyper at times. Don’t take it personally.
The ADDer craves excitement, thrills, and most importantly stimulation. Stimulation causes an inward pleasant feeling for the ADDer. Without it there exists an indefinable uncomfortable feeling that is alleviated by excitement When in hyperactive mode, the ADDer is basically seeking a way to extinguish the unpleasant feelings.
Sadly, one way to stimulate themselves causes ADDers to seek relief in ways that hurt others. They are Masters at taking care of their own needs (while seemingly ignoring yours). Fights over insignificant stuff occur due to a need for excitement. The ADDer by and large does not realize this and genuinely considers the fight is worth the aggravation. However, if the topic is truly trivial and unimportant in the scheme of life, the fight is probably a manifestation of a need for stimulation. Your strategy is to realize this and avoid getting hooked into their needs while aggravating your own. Walk away, take a time out, change the subject, do something to divert attention away from the topic. Don’t take it personally.
HYPER-FOCUSING
Know that your S.O. will hyper-focus at times. Don’t take it personally.
ADD/ADHD is not a deficit in attention. It is more an excess of paying attention to either everything at once (hyperactivity) or one thing at a time (hyper-focusing).
Hyper-focusing can be a double-edged sword. If your S.O. devotes a great deal of time to something you attach importance to, it can be terrific. The catch is the degree of devotion the ADDer develops.
Hyper-focusing is exaggeration of attention to a particular action (to the point of ridiculousness). You want your S.O. to keep a clean house, for example. If hyper-focusing occurs, your house will be immaculately clean but other aspects of life will be neglected. Your hard-working breadwinner may become an occasional visitor to your dinner table if hyper-focusing on work. Is there a strategy for this difficulty? Take charge of yourself. The ADDer. won’t change without treatment. Enjoy the clean house and fat bank account and realize your S.O. is not responsible for your contentment. Don’t take it personally.
IT'S YOUR CHOICE
Don’t take it personally.
DISCLAIMER
This information is for educational purposes only. Much of the information is from classes and workshops I’ve taken during my 33 years of working with ADD & ADHD students – sprinkled with my own comments, thoughts and insights.
Some information has been acquired from the INTERNET. Be aware that not all information on the WWW is accurate. Use your own judgment.
This information is not intended to replace information from your doctor, therapist, lawyer, psychologist, nutritionist or psychiatrist. Consult your child’s (or your own) doctor for additional input
Editor: BJ Madewell
Wichita, KS area
316-733-9532 Leave a message, I WILL call you back!
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BJ Madewell
